Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
