thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
