I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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