I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
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