I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I don't deserve a penis
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
