I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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