Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
