God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
