i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
