you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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