remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
