cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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