like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
