If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
