Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
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