i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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