ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
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