There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
