I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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