If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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