I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
