I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
You are the jesus of drinking
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
