My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
