nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
