I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Liz is crying about burritos again.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
