I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
