Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
