i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
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I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
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One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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