I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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