I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
