How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
