Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Non-Jews are for practice
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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