Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
