Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
