I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
