my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
