im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
