Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
