Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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