Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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