Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?