OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels