ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
