apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
