i was born a porn star she said
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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