So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night