About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.