she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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