You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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