The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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