No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
You ruined the universe
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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