I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I pour the whiskey from now on
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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