Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Randomize
