just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
