he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
