anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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